Jack the Bugger

It was one of those horror movie nights. You know, the one in which the wind howls, curtains fly, windows and doors strain on their hinges, the moon hides herself and the clouds have a running nose. Her tiny little heart was beating fast. She knew the time was near. Images flashed through her mind….the bright flame….the huge shadow…the hot breath…two of her sisters running wild….their babies bringing up the rear.

The first to go were babies… 3 boys and 5 girls. One moment they were there, running as fast as their tiny legs could carry them behind their mothers, in the next they were up in smoke. She could smell their burning bodies and it made her move further into her crevasse. Soon one of her sisters was caught. She was not burned. The killer had no intentions to let her die that easily. He had style. He put her on the floor and as she was about to make her escape, he poured wax on her, entombing her permanently. The other sister was caught a little while later. She was ploughed out of the hole in which she was hiding by a big pole and the same was driven into her head a little later killing her instantly.

Her senses were so numbed with fear that she did not see the big hand creeping towards her. And when she did realize, it was too late. She saw the glint of his spectacles and his huge pink tongue coming out to lick the sweat in his upper lip. The huge hands caught her and swept her off her feet. She tried desperately to slip away, but it was an iron grip. She was carried away somewhere far of. As she was taken she realized that today there was no fire and no pole, he has devised some other new technique. When the movement stopped, she could see a huge body of water, still and serene. Alarm bells started ringing when the killer started moving towards the water body. With a loud splash she was pushed into the water….and held there firmly. The huge hands were holding her head down. Her lungs were about to burst, eyes were bulging out, legs splashed around feebly. His hands were too strong for her tiny fragile body. She could feel her life getting dissolved into the water...tortuously slow. The killer felt her legs go still and turned around with a victorious smile.

Sorry about the violence and goriness folks, but I am witnessing these incidents daily in my house. Baffled?? Ok I ll make it clear. The victims are….. bed bugs and the vicious killer is my room mate. He is a chronic bed bug killer. He cannot resist a bed bug sitting and enjoying the stale air in our room. I have seen him waking up in the middle of the night and hunting bed bugs. He devises innovative methods to make the killings. The other day he was telling me that he is going to read books on famous killers and implement their tactics on the “poor” bed bugs!!!! He has also started thinking like a bed bug so that he can accurately predict where they will be hiding. I am having nightmares in which I see him as a jumbo sized bed bug crawling towards me for his “Bloody Mary”. Pray for me brother……Pray for me sister.

P.S.: Two continuous posts on bugs..... I am bugged!!!!!!!!!!!

Fe(Male)

The other day I saw a documentary on the Black Widow spider in Animal Planet. Among black widows the males are very puny compared to the gigantic females. Now let’s name our main characters here: The tiny male is Jack and the big female is Rose.

Now when Jack first sets his eyes on Rose, he goes head over heels (all eight of them!!!). There is no romance involved here, like most of us males he only has sex in mind. He approaches her slowly, like a shy “bride-to-be” approaching her potential groom with the coffee tray. But he is always on the ready to turn back and flee if she doesn’t like him, because in the event that he fails to impress her but he still hopes to fix a date for dinner, he may end up being her dinner that day. So Jack plays the waiting game from a safe distance while Rose makes up her mind. When Jack feels that he is getting positive feedback from Rose he cautiously approaches her. Poor Jack is no artist. He can’t paint naked pictures of Rose (though he has more arms than Leonardo). So he does the next best thing, make love to her. Now comes the tragic part, even when Jack is in his last throes of copulation, Rose starts eating him…Alive. Most of the Black Widow males thus end their lust with the supreme sacrifice and many of my fellow male homosapiens can also relate to this ;-)

So why does Jack get into this misadventure even though he knows that he may die? Because that is the way it is programmed in his genes by nature. The sole aim of Jack’s existence is to reproduce by impregnating Rose with his genes. Other than that, his existence doesn’t seem to have any purpose. But why does Mother Nature go about this business of reproduction in a roundabout way? Why should she create two entities, male and female? Why didn’t she create a single organism that contains both male and female capabilities? It can reproduce whenever it feels like and avoid going through these complex mating rituals. Also since now a single organism can do the work, nature can actually conserve the extra energy. Instead of feeding two mouths she now has to feed only one. Nature has implemented this concept in lower order organisms like bacteria, virus, amoeba and even in plants, but not in higher order organisms. May be nature is testing this theory and bacteria and viruses are the Beta versions. Wonder when she is going to “go live” on us!!!!!

On the lighter side look at some of the good things that can be achieved if Mother Nature does implement this on us humans:

- No eve or adam (???) teasing

- No separate Male and Female seats in buses.

- No separate male-female queues in cinema theatres, banks and temples.

- No separate schools and colleges for males and females.

- No male chauvinists and no feminists.

- You can save lot of paper and ink by eliminating entries like Sex, Father's

Name, Mother's Name (there will only be a single column, Parent's Name) and

Spouse’s Name in almost all application forms.

Ok I can see you ticking of more such “good things”, you are welcome to let me know of that :-)

My first blog entry.

I remember Neil Armstrong’s first words when he set foot on moon, “That's one small step for (a) man, one giant leap for mankind”, but in my case it is “a giant step for me”. They say, an aspiring blogger needs to have certain qualities like, good observation, mastery over the language, a sense of humor (sarcastic??) and the ability to hold peoples interest. When you decide to go through my blog, forget about all these.

I was inspired to write blogs by three of my friends, very good bloggers.

So why didn’t I start early: Too lazy to think and form sentences in English;

But why now all of a sudden: It’s one of that typical Bangalore Saturday morning when there is no power to watch TV or wash clothes. My landlord has built the house in such a way that when the power goes off the visibility inside the house is reduced to 0.01m (don’t ask me how I arrived at this figure), so there isn’t pretty much you can do in this situation. Oh ok I am not writing this in candle light, I have my laptop (Ahem!! though my friends don’t prefer to call it so).

For a long time I was thinking in which "person" should I write my blog, the first, the second or the third. After much much deliberation I have decided to write in all three (Don't worry, not in the same post). So here we go. Lets see whats coming out of this lazy brain. See you.